Why a Third Party is Good for Your Relationship

 “Jane, how long have we known each other?” Samuel asked with his eyes gazing into the vast sea right before him.

The breeze gently caresses Jane’s cheeks and sent strands of her long hair dancing to the rhythm of the sea.

“Three years and four months to be exact.” Jane replied catching a glance of Samuel before turning her head to face the sea right before them.

A stand-off

 

The windy coast of the eastern shore did not seem to jostle the mental stillness surrounding the both of them. The feeling was mutual, an air of lost meaning despite the memories of fun and laughter they had shared.

 

Jane still remembered how he caught her eye with his bright smile and that twinkle in the eye when he picked her books up in Borders.

“Psychology? This is something that I have no idea about as I always look at things in its most simplified manner.” Samuel commented as he handed the books back to her.

Jane was still mesmerized and blurted, “Yes, boring subject of my interest.”

Then it ran through Jane’s mind, “What contradiction am I muttering?  Boring subject of interest!?”

“I don’t know much about psychology but I’m good with technology stuff though.”

Samuel smiled and the rest was history with 3 years of relationship in the making thereafter, leading them to where they are now.

It appears the attraction has fizzled out after these few years and little is there in common to hold them together.

Or perhaps a third party is involved, complicating the things between the both of them.

Welcome to http://thedatinglogbook.wordpress.com , a blog that empowers you in the affairs of the heart, simply because ‘You are worth it.’

Ever wondered why relationships fail after a period of time? And has it ever come across to you why they failed?

The common reason given is incompatibility. But is it really so?

Perhaps we should take a closer look and get a better understanding of ourselves.

There are three stages of a relationship,

1. Lust – Physical attraction
2. Attraction – A deep lasting impression
3. Attachment – An emotional belonging to each other built on common ground or interest
    

Lust – Physical attraction that bowls you over and have you sexually attracted to him/her for that mere few weeks to few months.

Attraction – A deep lasting impression that carves itself into your mind that you cannot shake away, which lasts from a year to two and a half years.

Attachment – An emotional belonging to him/her that has grown its roots and stems in entanglement that leaves an awful collateral destruction should it be uprooted, i.e. breaking up with him or divorcing him results in an emotional void that is painful and made worse with a lost in common friends or extended family relationships. This attachment brings the relationship beyond a few years.

Now let us revisit Jane and Samuel’s 3 year relationship that is on the rocks. The lust came on and there was a deep lasting impression, which means they survived the first two stages of a relationship. However, they were not able to bring it to the next level either in time or because of a missing common ground of interest.

In case you are betting on the notion that it must have been a third party who interfered in their relationship, you are going to be surprised because it is not so. In fact, it is the lack of a third party in their relationship that crumbles everything to naught.

Had Samuel and Jane brought their relationship to the next level during the ‘Attraction’ stage, the common ground or the third party that will hold them together will be a marriage and a goal to building a family. Marriage is in many ways strong attachment but is slowly eroding with liberal values.

Drawing the analogy of a relationship using a diagram, this is how it will look like for a couple.

A single weak line

The above simple line is a structurally weak and can snap like a chopstick or twig.

Now compare this simple line to a love triangle below, which forms a close loop structure that serves to reinforce each entity within the equilateral triangular structure that is stronger and complete.

A strong triangle with equal lengths, equal efforts on all sides.

A relationship form on the basis of two persons is weak but is any 3^rd party good for the relationship?

For all you know, a triangle can be lope-sided too.

A precarious lope-sided triangle

An obsession with a career or with another person can be a triangle but fundamentally a weak one that will snap in time to come.

Remember the 80/20 rule applies in everything, same goes for a relationship. Your partner will always fulfil 80% of your needs and wants but it is always the 20% that you want to make your life complete. Some people look for an affair, some people focus on their careers and before they realise it, the 20% affair or career becomes the 80% of their life and thus put their relationship with their spouse at stake.

This is what The Dating Logbook has for you today so give some thoughts to the 20%, which completes you. This 20% may be your weakest link in your life for all you know.

For those who have just snapped a chopstick or broken a triangle, here’s ‘Dealing with Break-ups’, an article that will put you back on track.

Last but not least, remember http://thedatinglogbook.wordpress.com  is always here for you.

 

Your guide on the route to love,

thedatinglogbook

The Fishing Analogy of Love #1/2 – Fish Your Men the Trawler Way

Stay Away from Shallow Waters

“Yes, women are shallow too,”

A woman treading in shallow waters?

These are the actual words from a Singaporean woman who works in a high profile technology company in a demanding industry.

 

 

 

 

Finally, a lady who admits the fact that men are not just the only perceived ‘shallow’ gender around. Women are generally more discreet about this truth and thus, band together as a group against a common enemy that they both love and hate, ‘Men’.

 

‘Shallow’ refers to the generalisation of looking only skin-deep, i.e. the appearance. But is it only appearance? When we are young and studying, everyone was more or less of equal status regardless of the course of study, so appearance only applies when describing a person as shallow. However, as we grow older and graduate into the working society, status comes into play and being shallow means not only looking skin-deep but also pocket-deep.

 

 

 

Welcome to http://thedatinglogbook.wordpress.com , a blog that empowers you in the affairs of the heart, simply because ‘You are worth it.’

 

Most men are used to being labelled as shallow when it comes to picking a woman based on appearance. However women are described as shallow because they pick a man based on his wealth, his stability and security to provide for her and her family.

 

Being Good Looking is not Everything

A tough, chiselled character is what appears sexiest to a woman. As such, women who like to shake away from gold digger convention will simply pick a guy who is hardworking and of course, pleasant and interesting to her for the very least to begin with. Whereas a hot and pretty sexy goddess will no doubt be everyman’s dream… and nightmare too. Just imagine the number of men making advances at his goddess. Sometimes it is a bane to have a pretty wife or girlfriend because of the additional stress just to fend off the competition.

 

Does that mean all is lost for women because men are so shallow? There is always the alternative. Women will pick hardworking men over rich and good looking men, and men will pick gentle, confident women with style over the prettiest ones.

 

Women always have men knocking at their door, especially the pretty ones. If a woman does not even have a man knocking on her door, then it is time for reflection. Start asking your friends for help; usually the problem lies in the personality department because shallow men will still try to hook up with the pretty girl for trophy purposes although it is very short-term.

 

 

Change is Empowerment

First impressions count and appearance being the most visible winner among the visually enticed men. Not beautiful or good looking? Change your image, change your style. Change is a very strong empowerment tool.

 

“Actions create emotions, emotions create actions.” 

 

First impressions count, don't frown on them

Having style gives so much confidence that you can sway your tresses or booty like a peacock and we all know how beautiful a peacock can be when it spreads their feathers. This confidence will drive immense emotions creating a positive loop of attractive postures and gestures that can sweep a man away.

 

If ‘ugly duckling’ has always been the description of you by others, then it is good! Reason being, there is so much room to improve and revamp your image. Just look at Taiwanese superstar, Jolin Tsai. She was described by some as an ugly duckling when she first started out, but her strong stage presence and style keeps everyone in awe. Among ladies, being pretty means being an eyesore because of jealousy but having style wins you respect within your gender. 

 

 

Look Beyond a Quick Judgement

Finally, put style aside and the key thing to look for is still chemistry when it comes to love and relationships. Some people leave it to fate, however reality can be harsh because of the quick judgement we make on people based on stereotyped thinking, i.e. he looks quiet, maybe he has an inferiority complex, definitely not an alpha male or he looks very outspoken, too friendly, potentially a stalker. Singapore has paid the price for advancing our economy so fast that we analyse and make predictions on our relationships based on the way we do it to our GDP growth rate, i.e. going by generalisation or statistics instead of exceptions. Following stereotyped patterns for our economic growth just does not work on relationships. 

 

 

Social Etiquette of Women

Some observations and comparisons are made as I conversed with my friends who have lived overseas. One of whom lived in Japan for one and a half years commented that in Japan; women know how to conduct themselves sociably when it comes to functions, gatherings and invitations to a date. They show courtesy to men whom they are not keen and politely decline their invitations, sending across a clear signal of their intentions or interest. And in most instances, Japanese woman are receptive to making new friends sincerely, which is something lacking in Singapore.

 

 

This, I believe is the key to finding the right chemistry. To appeal to the scientific or statistically minds of my readers, just look at it as a research that requires many trials and tests before the right concoction is found, i.e. meeting as many people as possible before the right one is found. However, I would think this is limited in Singapore’s context because of the quick judgement and stereotypical suggestions formed in the mind even before an understanding is reached. 

 

 

Look at it in a fishing analogy; Try using a fishing rod to catch fishes, you can catch one at a time only if you are skilled and experience, which most people aren’t when it comes to relationships. However, try casting a big fish net and you will open your world of possibilities with so many choices.

 

 

Singapore used to be a fishing village. Singaporeans probably lost the ability to fish as we evolve to a financial and manufacturing hub. As for Japan, they are still fishing a lot both literally and in relationships.

 

 

Trawler Fishing versus a Fishing Rod

Cast your big fishing net

As for those unconvinced and leaving to fate, try fishing using a simple rod and leaving it to fate. Fate can give you the fish, but it will still slip away because of inexperience. The same goes for social skills, i.e. meeting more people expands the possibilities. The skilled deep sea fishermen with trawlers will have a better day when fate gives them the chance for a bountiful harvest.

 

To the more conservative, casting a big fishing net does not mean being flirtatious but it means being more adept at talking to men by being more sensitive to their pride and ego. It is an art itself or social etiquette, which women in graceful and developed societies have. Of course, Singapore has a lot to learn from these developed societies, however there are always exceptions. There are really some gems in Singapore, but few and far in-between.

 

 

Action Action Action 

Reading and not taking action is a waste of time. So why not start accepting the next group dinner or outing invitation instead of rejecting it upon hearing unfamiliar names?

 

 

In summary, the next time when you eat your sashimi, remember that it comes from deep sea fishing using trawlers and not shallow waters with a fishing rod. Open up the world of possibilities with an open mind and not forgetting bringing along your style with it. 

 

 

Once again, remember http://thedatinglogbook.wordpress.com  is always here for you.

 

Btw, this article is inspired by Herald Tribune’s article,

‘Singapore succeeds at managing everything – except dating’.

http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/04/29/asia/sing.php?page=2

 

Your guide on the route to love,

 

thedatinglogbook